Therapist shares the five stages of a dying marriage
This is what the lead-up to a divorce looks like.
Marriage is meant to be forever and is essentially THE relationship goal.
Very few people enter a relationship hoping that it will end.
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Those who get married truly want it to be for the long haul.
Unfortunately, life happens, and people can grow apart and fall out of love.
According to the most recent South African statistics, there were 20,196 confirmed divorces in 2022 compared to 18,208 in 2021.
That puts the divorce rate at 33 divorces per 100,000 estimated resident population.
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Often, husbands and wives will be surprised when their spouse announces that they want to file for divorce.
Their experience might have been that everything was fine or even great, but something lurked beneath the surface.
This is a surprise nobody would want, so how do you prevent this from happening to you?
There is no shame in acknowledging something is wrong and looking for help. If you and your partner want your marriage to work, you've got to put in the work.
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Becky Whetstone is a leading marriage and family therapist from Arkansas, USA and she knows a thing or two about handling a marriage crisis.
She even wrote her PhD dissertation on the stages of a deteriorating marriage and published a book on the subject.
According to Whetstone, there are five stages that a marriage goes through when it is coming to an end.
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1. Disillusionment
This refers to the mindset of at least one person in the couple who is not happy with how the relationship is progressing.
They mull it over and say, ‘You know, relationships have ups and downs, and I’ll just see how this goes and see if my feelings change'.
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2. Erosion
This happens when one partner starts to realise that the unhappiness is not going away and this could lead to thoughts of divorce.
They might dismiss the thoughts for a number of reasons (kids, finances, religion, etc.).
The cracks begin to show. They may make sarcastic remarks to their spouse, complain, get an attitude, or roll their eyes, but whatever it is, it stays between them.
3. Detachment
This doesn't need much explanation. The person will start withdrawing emotionally and looking for coping mechanisms outside of their marriage.
These could include anything from hobbies, working out, and, in extreme cases, an affair.
However, they still do not want to leave the marriage.
In this stage, the hostility toward the other will start to seep out in front of others.
So, they make a deal with themself: I can stay married if I find something outside the marriage and away from my partner that brings me satisfaction. They are focusing more and more on their unhappiness, seeing every little negative thing and becoming more blind to the things they once enjoyed.
4. The Straw
The person's tolerance continues to dwindle, and this stage refers to the day when their partner says or does something that provides them clarity that this is the end.
They realise that they cannot be married to someone who would do such a thing or the straw that breaks the camel's back.
At this moment, they emotionally unplug, turn their back on the marriage and refuse to cooperate or go along, pretending they are happy. They will either decide to end the relationship altogether, make a pronouncement of their thinking they want a divorce or emotionally disconnect.
5. Death of the Marriage
Whetstone uncovered this fifth stage during her research.
At this point, divorce is highly likely.
But it is possible that a future with their partner can be found under the right circumstances.
But how are couples supposed to work on salvaging the relationship?
Whetstone advises that couples start counselling when they notice they have hit the erosion stage.
Here, they can recognise that there are issues that won't just disappear.
Letting the resentment pile up makes it exceedingly difficult to help them later.
Many couples will feel that couples therapy is only necessary when the relationship is truly damaged and falling apart.
Early intervention is always better, and it ensures that the smaller problems don't snowball.
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