'Talking back to your child after they talk back to you doesn't teach them anything'
If we want a different result, then we need to be willing to try something different...
There comes a time in almost every parent's life where they have to deal with how to approach a cheeky child.
Somehow, the natural response for most parents is shock, followed by retaliation, of course.
We think that has a lot to do with generations of parents not knowing better and doing what their parents did to them.
Safe to say then that the pattern of parenting will keep continuing until someone steps up and stops. Because if we know better, then we should do better.
In this case, the example is when you talk back to your child after they have talked back to you. Sounds familiar because most of us have to admit that we have done it at least once.
But, surprisingly, talking back to them after they have talked back doesn't actually teach them the lesson you want them to learn.
"Talking back to your child models the exact opposite of what you want to teach. Children might talk back to get a reaction—or may simply be having a bad day. Another possibility is that they have not been taught (by example or otherwise) respectful communication and interaction,” Jane Nelson says.
And if in fact we want to stop the pattern of unconscious parenting, and being more mindful, then we need to stop, assess, and reflect the way we want them to communicate, and mirror that.
Some helpful tips on how to handle this situation include.
"Set a boundary: 'When you speak to me that way, I will take a breather and calm down until we both feel better and can communicate with love and respect.'" Always be sure to follow-up when you have both calmed down.
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In a calm, respectful voice, tell your child, "If I have ever spoken to you that way, I am sorry, love. Can we start over?" (Instagram)
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"Count to ten or take some other form of positive time-in for yourself so you don't 'back talk' back in reaction. Avoid comebacks such as, "You can't talk to me that way young lady."
Use the "back talk" as information (it could tell you that something is amiss) and deal with it after you have both calmed down.⠀
Instead of focusing on the “disrespect”, focus on the feelings. Say something like, "You seem very upset right now. Let's both take some time to calm down. We can talk later when we feel better. I'd like to hear what you are upset about.” (Instagram)
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And the truth is that sometimes your child may not be ready to accept a hug or a gesture of love, other times a hug or gesture to hold them can be just the thing to change the moment.
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